Welp yeah. I’m trying to let go. I needa figure myself out before I start looking to figure with someone else. Lust or Love? Idk. I thought I was happy. I think I was actually. And I worked my hopes up as usual and beat them down with the hard truth. I don’t know if it hurts more when I’ve accurately predicted the future or when I’m blindsided. “I know what I’m getting myself into, I know what to expect.” It still hurts.
Would it have been better if I didn’t do anything at all? I don’t regret anything, but maybe it wouldn’t be so bitter-feeling. It’s like my fingers can’t curl up into a fist anymore. My hand just lays on its backside, fingers spread out like a net. But what differs my hand from a net is that I don’t have the power to draw it closer. Make any sudden moves and poof, it’s scared. I have to wait for it to crawl closer and closer, up my arm. Over my shoulder, past my neck and above my chin. Then maybe he’ll hear me.